It’s a dreary Monday morning. There’s not a hint of sunshine in the sky, it’s warm, but feels damp. I’m sitting in my office, thinking about all of the goals I’m ready to accomplish for 2020 and realize in just two more days, a decade ends, a new year begins and a “new year, new me” phrase will encircle us for a month or two. For some, a new year means letting go of the pain and grief of what the past 365 days brought. For others, apprehension settles in and anxiety flares. A whole new year without someone you love?
At the start of 2019, I would never have imagined my heart and perspective would change the way it has. I would never have imagined that my soul would take on a new form of grief, one that I’ve only read about. But most surprisingly, I never would have imagined that 3 months into the new year, my career would temporarily feel like a prison.
They say that time heals all wounds, but I politely disagree. The further it gets from seeing their face, the harder it gets to remember their voice. I didn’t consciously choose to avoid the concept of a new year approaching and what it means, yet it found it’s way to me. The concept of “Happy New Year” can be emotional if you’ve lost a loved one this year. The world telling you to be happy when they don’t know the heartache you’re feeling, seems cruel.
The sun is now peaking out from behind the clouds. I’ve been sitting here for a while now, trying to conjugate the message I’m trying to portray. I get a little glance to my right and see a picture from 2019 and realize how lucky I am that I was able to live and be present in that moment. That although I didn’t know the heartache that was too come, I am so grateful that I had a person in my life that made saying goodbye so unbearable.
It’s not going to be easy, going into 2020 without someone from 2019. There are days I imagine that will seem unfair, how you could carry onto a new year and begin making new memories without your loved one. But, I also believe that it can be a privilege, being the one responsible to carry them into the new year. In 2020, it just looks different.